


What Goes Up Must Come Down: Something's Burning

by drelfina



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki!Kakashi, Akatsuki!Minato, Akatsuki!Shisui, Crack, F/F, Founders Era, M/M, Multi, Sakumo is very married, Who is kakashi's mother? No one knows, Yet Another way to derail the Fourth Shinobi war, bad guys are good guys, crack treated seriously except for where it's not, good guys are bad guys, i think i'm very clever, i think i'm very funny, incomplete morality swap AU, morality swap AU, my sense of humour, this is crack i don't explain anything at all, trust me it's not terrible, what happens if Tobirama died instead of Izuna, what's a little poisoning between husband and wife?, who is in the Akatsuki?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:54:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22739911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: With the oncoming fourth shinobi war, Orochimaru brings back Shodaime, Nidaime and Sandaime with an old jutsu he'd found.The results are surprisingly effective. But only after they all sort through who isreallyto blame for all this.
Relationships: Hatake Sakumo/Orochimaru, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Izuna (Minor), Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Izuna/Uchiha Madara, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Madara (minor)
Comments: 94
Kudos: 547





	What Goes Up Must Come Down: Something's Burning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Perelka_L](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perelka_L/gifts), [evocates](https://archiveofourown.org/users/evocates/gifts).



> so Perelka_L linked me this picture from Twitter 
> 
> https://twitter.com/gin_6510/status/1048749044372131840?s=19 
> 
> And it was gorgeous and caught my imagination and ... 
> 
> Then Evocates encouraged me. A lot. 
> 
> Damn you Evocates.

"Well," Sakumo said, exhaling. "It worked." 

"Of course it did," Orochimaru said. "Everything I do works. Did you ever doubt me?" 

"No," Sakumo said, looking at the rather distinctive silhouette of Shodaime as the smoke cleared. "I've never doubted you." 

"What," Shodaime Hokage Uchiha Madara said, "The fuck just happened?" 

"I think," Nidaime Hokage Uchiha Izuna said,"The real question should be, why the fuck are we here?!" 

Before Sakumo could say anything, Nidaime swivelled around and then glared at Godaime Hokage. 

"You. In the Hat. Explain." 

The Jounin commander stepped forward, sword almost drawn, but Godaime put his hand on his shoulder. 

"Sasuke, it's fine. I'll explain," Godaime Uchiha Itachi said.

* * *

"Shisui," Itachi said, staring down at the crow. It stared back at him. "When. When would you just come home?" 

"I won't," the crow said with Shisui's voice, "Until Shimura Danzou is _dead!_ " 

"I've told you," Itachi said, fingers pressing into his temples. "He's dead. I promise you, he's very dead. I sent you the ashes." 

"Ashes," the bird said after fifty seconds of preening. Shisui must be far away - further than Kaze, if the signal was taking that long. "Ashes can be _faked_." 

"Shisui," Itachi said tiredly. "I wouldn't lie to you." 

"You might be lied to! Constant vigilance!" 

"How," Itachi said, "did you end up running away and leaving me to take this post? You were supposed to be the next one in line, Shisui!" 

"You already know," Shisui said, crow's voice going low and dark, "where it all started." 

"Yes yes, you've said, Yondaime's fault. That was a rhetorical question." 

"Didn't sound rhetorical to me!"

* * *

It was most definitely, Sakumo thought, not his fault, staring at the letter in his wife's hands.

Everyone else in the room were very, very tense. 

It wasn't a surprise how tense they were. Orochimaru was... a very protective mother, and while Kakashi's sensei hadn't been entirely _Sakumo's_ idea, he had been the one to persuade Orochimaru to agree to Namikaze Minato. 

"I'll go get him back," Obito said. 

"You can't," Rin said. "You were _injured_ , Obito. He almost killed you!" 

"First, he always almost-kills me on a daily basis," Obito said, "It's how we _communicate_. Second, he almost stabbed you in the heart." 

"Almost being the key word." 

"Exactly," Obito said. "And he has one of my eyes, remember? I can track him down." 

"As fascinating as the thought that Uchiha eyeballs are apparently biological trackers is," Orochimaru's silky tones cut through their words, and both Rin and Obito shut up, "I have more pressing concerns that only My Lord Husband can explain." 

"It's teenage rebellion," Sakumo said promptly. "Plus we all know how much he idolizes his sensei." 

"Yes," Orochimaru said. "We do indeed. And we also know _who_ pushed for said sensei." 

"Look, it isn't my fault," Sakumo said, "That you didn't get to be Namikaze's sensei instead of Jiraiya." 

"So you're saying it's _Sensei's_ fault?" Orochimaru said, smooth as poison. 

"Yes," Sakumo said, watching Obito and Rin sidle out of his office. "I suppose I am."

* * *

"Are you really, going to interpret that," Kakashi said, squinting at his sensei. 

"Yes," Minato said. 

"it's a tree." 

"it's Senju Hashirama," Minato said. "Look, you didn't have to follow me, but the man saved my life, and his ideas make _sense_." 

"Uh huh," Kakashi said, squinting down at the acorns scattered at the root of the tree. 

It was big. It was tall. That was all about Kakashi could say about it. 

"The world's wars have to end, somehow," Minato said. "The reason the whole village was built was to stop it, but look at what's happened now." 

"I thought you could blame Sandaime-sama for that." 

"Yes, but it's a bigger problem. Hashirama-sama showed me." 

Kakashi made a doubtful noise, but then. Minato-sensei always had made sense. If he wanted to ascribe the ideals to a tree, well. That was up to Minato-sensei.

* * *

Hiruzen sighed as Danzou left his office. "you've made your points quite clear, Orochimaru-kun," he said. "And Danzou is right - there is no choice left but to declare war." 

"All of these from following Danzou's suggestions...!" Orochimaru cut himself off at Hiruzen's sharp gaze. "Still. You assigning Jiraiya and Minato to that sector -" 

"Minato is a very talented young man," Hiruzen said. "He can definitely take care of the Iwa-flank." 

"After the Kumo incident," Orochimaru said tightly, "I doubt his mental stability. Sensei." 

"Are you doubting my judgement?" 

Orochimaru's fingers dug in deeper on his arms. "No, sensei." 

"You asked for Minato to be your son's jounin-sensei."

"He was, as you've said, very talented," Orochimaru said. "And I thought his innate curiosity and disposition suitable." 

"Then what doubts can you have? The very mentorship system was set up by Nidaime, are you doubting _his_ judgement?" 

Orochimaru didn't bite his tongue, but glared at the desk. 

"Go home to your husband, Orochimaru," Hiruzen said. "your parental instincts is becoming of a parent, and I'm glad of it, but you and your son are still shinobi." 

"Of course, sensei," Orochimaru said, forcing his voice even. "I shall leave you now."

* * *

"Wait," Nidaime said. "Wait a fucking minute. So you're saying it's _my_ fault for making the jounin-sensei system?" 

Orochimaru folded his arms and stared straight at him, unflinching at his unnaturally black eyes. 

"Not the jounin-sensei system," Orochimaru said. "You chose your heir badly." 

"Orochi," Sakumo sighed. 

"Do you know who he is?!" the Jounin Commander yelled. "He's the NIDAIME! He set up everything! the Academy, the whole infrastructure of ranks and missions!" 

" _Sasuke_ ," Godaime said. 

"Well," Izuna said, "I literally had like, only six people I knew, and the one who was most capable was not available." 

"Who?" Orochimaru said. 

"It's not like I could choose Kagami! there were already two Uchiha Hokage, a third would be a fucking tradition and the Hyuuga would revolt!" Izuna waved his hands. "if anyone is to blame for this shit, I at least tried to pick someone else! Niisan was the one who picked me!" 

Shodaime set Nidaime's hair on fire.

* * *

"My only option," Madara said, "Was you, or Senju Hashirama, you _know_ that, Izuna!" 

He eyed all of the Nations' shinobi. "And now you're bringing me back for what-?!" 

"To deal with that," Itachi said, pointing. 

"Your old nemesis," Sasuke said looking intently across the battlefield where an unnatural breeze rippled through the tree branches. 

Many. Many. Tree branches. 

"This," Madara growled, "is _your_ fault, Izuna." 

"No, Niisan, Pretty sure we can lay that on YOUR feet. You made friends with the giant tree monster remember?" Izuna said, wringing the fire out of his hair till the sparks just puddled at his feet. 

"He was still mostly sane then," Madara said. "Then you killed his brother."

* * *

"Look," Izuna said to their stunned audience. "We were _rivals_ , we were also incredibly well-matched, alright? He was my _perfect_ rival. Of course one of us would have fallen. That's why I married him." 

Everyone stared at him for a moment. 

"Did you think," he said, condescendingly, "that someone like _me_ , a genius of instinct and improvision, would come up with those architectural plans and the curriculum for the Academy on my _own_? Pffft, of course it wasn't _my_ plans." 

"They're more surprised," Madara said drily, "That you're married." 

"Neither of you are married," Hiruzen said. "That was what almost resulted in a crisis!" 

"Pretty sure I put Hikaku in charge of the propagation of the species," Madara said. 

"And why would I kill my _wife_?" Izuna exclaimed. "That would be _wrong_ for so many reasons! Of course I married him _afterwards_." 

There was a long silence for a while. 

"What," Sasuke said. 

"And he forgave me for plagiarising his ideas," Izuna said. "But also, bear in mind, I never _claimed_ I came up with it myself." 

"As fascinating as this line of historical revisionism is," Orochimaru said with barely veiled impatience, "Clearly Hashirama attacking us now is your fault." 

"I have no idea why you think it is MY fault," Izuna said. "Hashirama ran away and we had to declare him dead two years later because there is only so much manpower we can spare to go chatting up every tree from here to Kumo, alright? And I literally died to stop a war." 

He spun around and eyed Hiruzen. "I also remember telling you to stay away from Danzou, he was a bad influence. Kagami always said he was basically stalking him. How the fuck did a _Third war start_?"

* * *

"You're going to have to banish him," Danzou said. 

"He's my _student_. He and Minato -" 

"We could possibly not declare your student Jiraiya a traitor," Danzou said, firm and implacable, "But Namikaze was the one who threw the mission." 

Danzou looked past Hiruzen's shoulder to Sakumo. "It's a pity," he said. "Namikaze had so much potential. But now… well. I'd watch your boy, Hatake. Namikaze's dangerous, and you personally asked for him to be his sensei." 

"He's missing-nin now," Hiruzen said. "Hopefully Iwa would accept that, and that would be the end of it."

* * *

Minato's defection was not the end of it. 

Sakumo became Yondaime in the middle of a war, and not long after, Kakashi's team met the Akatsuki's leader. 

Sakumo had had other priorities; the Akatsuki was a small band of highly skilled missing nin with limited reach and political power, and honestly, the fact that there were extremely massive incursions by Iwa and Kumo into Fire Country was little more pressing than a bunch of missing-nin led by a charismatic pretty boy. 

So alright he should have kept a closer eye on Kakashi. But he was getting older and more moody ever since his sensei had defected, so. 

Kakashi's defection had taken him a little by surprise, and they were still… dealing with it. 

"Itachi-kun," he said, taking the tea Orochimaru handed him. "Is something the matter?" 

"Yes," Itachi said, looking urgent. "It's Shisui - it's -" 

He paused. "Yondaime-sama," he said after a moment, "You're looking a little purple." 

"Ah," Sakumo said. "I knew the tea tasted a little too sweet. A moment, Itachi-kun." 

He turned to cough, hard, forcing chakra into his chest to try and isolate the poison his beloved wife had fed him. 

It took a few ten minutes. 

But Itachi waited patiently for him to eject the poison. 

"Alright. Sorry about that. What was it about Shisui-kun?" It sounded bad. Shisui was his heir-apparent; extremely talented, though he'd inherited a little the Uchiha high-strung constitution. 

"Shisui-kun has run away," Itachi said. "Because of _Shimura Danzou_!" 

Oh, Sakumo thought. He should have kept an eye on Danzou too.

* * *

Dealing with Danzou had been one of Shisui's demands before he would come home. 

There had been other demands of course, such as world peace, but honestly Itachi might be Hokage but he wasn't exactly placed to make all of the other Villages stop being shinobi. Itachi couldn't even make his own brother stop following him around and threatening anyone who looked sideways at Itachi, let alone make massive social changes like that. 

It wasn't like Itachi was _Madara_. 

Shisui had refused to return on Danzou's arrest, claiming that he could have run away. 

He refused to return when Danzou was sentenced to execution. 

He still refused on Danzou's _actual_ execution and even though Itachi'd sent him the ashes, Shisui had gone ahead with Akatsuki's plans to achieve world domination in order to achieve peace. 

Which finally all culminated in this battlefield, and Orochimaru-san resorting to a technique he'd found in the archives to revive the past Hokage.

* * *

"Wow," Madara said. "All of this _history_ , so that I can go face down Hashirama." 

"Who," Izuna helpfully pointed out, "isn't dead." 

"Thank you, Izuna, I have eyes." Madara took a deep breath and LOOKED at them. "You needed me. Specifically. To deal with him?" 

"Yes," Itachi said. "He's too powerful." 

"And you were his equal in rivalry," Orochimaru said. 

Madara took a deep breath, and yanked out his gunbai from thin air. "I'll be right back."

* * *

"That," Madara said at the big tree, "Is not Hashirama." 

Even the blond pretty boy looked taken aback. "What?" 

Madara frowned. "I know I _felt_ him around here." 

He stormed off. 

Izuna set the giant tree on fire just in case. 

It started screaming and fell into black and white parts, so Izuna set it on fire again. 

Ten minutes later, Madara came back with a giant oak over his shoulder, and slammed it down, roots first, in the middle of the battlefield, which was gently smouldering. 

"This," he said, "Is Hashirama. Hashirama, you fucker!" 

"Madara!" Hashirama's face popped out, even as a literal rain of acorns fell all over Madara and stuck in his hair. "You're back! Where's Tobirama?" 

"Tobirama," Madara said patiently, "Is dead." 

"Oh," Hashirama said. "I want to see him. But I can't die." 

"You can," Izuna said with significantly less patience. "Niisan can set you on fire and you can go straight to the Pure Lands." 

"Oh," Hashirama-tree said, "Sounds like a great idea!" 

So Madara set the tree on fire too.

* * *

"Tobirama is going to be so annoyed," Izuna said, as the flames finally died down into gently smouldering ashes. "In fact, _I_ am very annoyed. You brought me and Niisan back for what? Have… all of you forgotten how to start fires?" 

He eyed the most prominent Uchiha on the battlefield. 

Sasuke tried to stand in front of his brother. 

"Look," Izuna said. "I'll even break it down into little words. That was a T r e e. Trees are made of W O O D. Wood burns. So you just can set him on FIRE." 

"He was a little resistant -" 

"Even some flint and iron would do!" Izuna said. "You didn't need Niisan or my Eyeballs to set it on fire! Even some matchsticks and kerosene! I was having some private time with my wife when you yanked me out of the Pure Lands! Has the educational standards dropped that no one can set fire like that?!" 

"To be fair," Itachi said. "There's only one Uchiha left with such… extreme affinity with fire. And he was on the creepy tree's side." 

"I bet this is Hiruzen's fault," Izuna said. 

"I'll just… go over there to retrieve Minato and Kakashi," Sakumo said. 

"Tell Kakashi he's grounded," Orochimaru said. "He's been almost a full _decade_ with this Akatsuki nonsense." 

"Yes dear." 

"So who is going to send us back _now_ ," Izuna demanded. "I have a wife to fuck!" 

"I just sent Hashirama to the Pure Lands," Madara reminded his brother. "I think Tobirama is going to be a little preoccupied." 

" _Fuck_ ," Izuna said feelingly. "You fuckers just cockblocked me!" 

Madara looked up to the heavens. "I," he said, "cockblocked us both." 

"Wait," Sasuke said, "what is _that_ supposed to mean? You're _both_ unmarried!" 

Izuna looked pityingly at Sasuke. "Traditionally, brothers can sometimes share the same wife," he said, like Sasuke was still twelve years old. "Why do you think Niisan passed the Clan Leadership to Hikaku?" 

"What," Sasuke said, "the actual fuck." 

END

* * *

** Omake 1:  **

"The whole, Hashirama attacked the Village? That? I made it up," Izuna said. "Sounded much better than our resident unhinged tree guy just coming home one day with a trussed up pissed off bijuu and asking if Niisan wanted a pet. At least Mito-hime figured out how to seal the poor thing away before Hashirama got bored and forgot that he was holding down a bijuu.

"What? Oh she was supposed to marry Niisan but Niisan's gaaaaaaay for red eyes. So she returned to Uzushio. She took her Senju girlfriend with her. What was her name - Momohana? Yeah. Her. Pretty."

** Omake 2:  **

"Shisui, please, we literally executed Danzou, AND your leader's on fire, there's no reason not to come back to Konoha!" 

"You can't trust that Danzou is really dead! _Danzou_ was the start of all si--" 

They stared at the big blue Kiri nukenin who'd casually karate-chopped Shisui at the neck with practiced ease, and kept him from falling over and obtaining a concussion.

"Hello," said the big blue Kiri nukenin, smiling at Itachi with sharp sharp teeth. "I'm Shisui's partner. I would also like to request that you refrain from mentioning that name in Shisui-san's presence. He gets agitated, and spontaneously faints. I'm worried about his health, you see." 

"... you just knocked him out, that's the OPPOSITE of spontaneous," Obito pointed out. 

"My arm moved spontaneously," Hoshigaki Fucking Kisame said serenely. "I worry a lot about his blood pressure."

**Author's Note:**

> So I think that I'm extra fucking hilarious, and really didn't want to write another epic. *glares at Millennial Minato* 
> 
> This artwork was gorgeous, and you should all go take a look at it. And I was inspired, and Evocates was shamelessly egging me on and therefore… 
> 
> Crack. Just… crack. Crack straight out the front and back and it's shameless crack. 
> 
> Crack is crack is crack. 
> 
> (And also i thought i was very funny and intellectual with the structure of this piece. Tell me whether you get it!) 
> 
> Evocates suggested titling it  
> \- A Saga of Mixed Morality  
> \- Do Not Let Minato Run the Akatsuki  
> \- Shore 
> 
> Look, it could have been worse.


End file.
